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Donald Trump is our savior

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Trump points to  the greatest man alive, also known as himself, during a Republican campaign speech.

Trump points to the greatest man alive, also known as himself, during a Republican campaign speech.

redstate.com

redstate.com

Trump points to the greatest man alive, also known as himself, during a Republican campaign speech.

Kelly Song, Highlander Editor

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So imagine this: the apocalypse is here, the zombies have finally arrived to eat your brains out and you’re cursing under your breath as you fumble around your pantry for a food stash. It’s chaos out there — the government has collapsed, the lord of the zombies has taken over and you have maybe one can of expired tuna to last you the week. But there’s one reassurance in the back of your mind, and you breathe a sigh of relief from the peacefulness it instills upon you.

At least you have Donald Trump.

The savior of the human race, the answer to all of America’s issues. In times of chaos, his pledge to “save this nation” rings true, majestic like the luscious godsend of a bush we call Trump’s hair. Fit for a Pantene commercial and worthy of a president.

Trump represents the diverse population of this nation — rednecks who listen to country music and eat baby back ribs AND rich old white men who sit in their authentic-leather couches wagging their fingers at rising tax rates all day.

The other nonthreatening, minuscule percent of the population is pretty much every other ethnicity that ever existed, including but not limited to the Chinese, the Mexicans, the Spanish, the Indians, the Palestinians, the Algerians, the very few inhabitants from Antarctica… You get the point.

And this is why Trump is number one on the Republican polls. Not because America makes stupid decisions and is blinded by anyone who is loud and can “voice an opinion,” but because we are a brilliant country with intelligence and dignity and every trait of perfection in between. Heck, you could even say we’re the natural role model for the world. It’s not like other countries think we’re vain and clueless anyways.

Speaking of intelligence, Trump’s insight into the immigration crisis hits the nail on the head.

Because, while the American population is sitting there enjoying a Starbucks latte (no foam, duh, who do you think I am) and complaining about how their air conditioning is too loud and how they experience an identity crisis when their polos don’t match their khakis, someone from the immigrant population is hacking away at some brick building that will probably be eventually graffitied anyways and be sticky, because too many people tried to pee on it.

All I can say is, America is beautiful in our consideration for others. It’s like we’ve been educated on everything that is morally correct and we’ve finally come to a realization that discriminating against minorities is acceptable and we can just ignore the 200 years of progress we’ve made so far.

To quote the almighty himself, “I mean, part of the beauty of me is that I’m very rich.”

Well, I’m dying of beauty.

 

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4 Comments

4 Responses to “Donald Trump is our savior”

  1. sarah on August 29th, 2015 6:15 pm

    sophie is queen of satire

  2. Julie Newdoll on September 7th, 2015 10:03 pm

    This is one of the funniest articles I have ever read! Thank you! It is abstract in a unique and sophisticated way that made me laugh and laugh. I hope I can keep laughing after the election, i.e., we will not actually have Trump in the white house.

  3. Julie Newdoll on September 7th, 2015 10:06 pm

    This is one of the funniest articles I have ever read! Thank you! It is abstract in a unique and sophisticated way that made me laugh and laugh. I hope I can keep laughing after the election, i.e., we will not actually have Trump in the White House.

  4. Christian Gonzales on December 10th, 2015 3:06 am

    Your satire is nothing but a whiny rant of made up racism and bigotry. Your mad at a a guy who wants to uphold our laws and get rid of illegal immigration, you have a country or you don’t, you can’t just grant amnesty which is the opposite of forcing our immigration law and also a big slap in the face legal immigrants everywhere. Maybe if you didn’t focus on race and looked at how Trump wants to help AMERICANS we wouldn’t have the problems we have today in society.

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Donald Trump is our savior