Brace yourselves. Prom is coming. And with it comes the inevitable stress that your night won’t live up to your expectations.
Luckily, as someone who has barely gone to any high school dances, I consider myself more than qualified to offer advice on how to make your prom night wonderful. Or, at the very least, memorable.
First: make sure you get a date. After all, it’s scientifically proven that going to a dance without one means you will have the worst time imaginable. Going with friends? Please! Everyone knows friends are for losers.
If you’re a guy, you probably should have asked a girl within the first few days of the school year. One can never start too early. However, since it’s illegal for girls to ask boys to dances we are left out in the cold. This is why it’s important to subtly hint to your love interest that you’d like to go with him. I recommend faking allergies, and inserting the word “prom” into every cough and sneeze. A large neon sign spelling the words “ASK ME ALREADY” can’t hurt, either.
Remember: asking someone to prom automatically means you want a serious relationship with them, so plan accordingly.
Next, outfit choice is very important. Not for boys, of course. Just throw on a tux and you’re ready to go. But girls have an entirely different situation.
First, you leave school early and hightail it to your local beauty salon. It will of course already be filled with dozens of other desperate girls, but give yourself the false hope that you’ll get there on time. Spend no less than two hours getting hair and makeup done, allotting for a few minutes of hysterical crying and insisting you look like a moose in drag.
Hurry home and stuff yourself into that dress. Spend another few minutes asking everyone in your surrounding area if you look fat, or ugly, or both. They’ll say no. Don’t believe them.
Meet up with your date and take a few awkward pictures during which neither of you knows what to do with your arms, then drive to the dance.
This is followed by the most important picture of your life: the prom picture. You will end up leaning on one leg, shoulders squished forward, head tilted ninety degrees to the left. You will feel very stupid, and look amazing. Or vice versa, as there is no middle ground with this.
Eventually you’ll start dancing. Remember: anyone can dance, as long as they only shuffle very slightly back and forth in one tiny area. Or jump. Jumping is always good, provided some girl’s heels don’t skewer through your feet.
There will inevitably be a few people at prom who truly know how to dance, and they will show off all night. If you value your reputation, DO NOT JOIN IN. Just stand nearby and try to absorb some secondhand coolness.
There will be a place for snacks. Guys can go after this, but ladies, don’t bother. You’ve already been sewn into that dress, and your perfect hourglass shape is not worth one mini hot dog wrapped in pastry.
The night will inevitably draw to a close, and after spending a few hours doing God-knows-what you’ll be back at home. Your ears will ring, your feet will hurt, and you’ll be content in the knowledge that tonight, you were a god among men.
That is, until you remember you have to wake up at six thirty to work at Starbucks; you spent five hundred dollars on a dress or suit you’ll never wear again, and you may or may not have lost your phone.
But, hey. That’s prom.