“Why me?”
“Why wasn’t I given a normal sibling?”
That was what Scott Wallace* thought when he was just 6 years old. From kindergarten to second grade, Wallace lived in constant shame of his older brother, who was diagnosed with a neurological disorder at age 3.
Although Daniel Wallace* is 2 ½ years older than Scott Wallace, his developmental delay makes the two brothers much closer in age than their birth certificates show.
“Daniel didn’t have very many friends in elementary school. He was sort of an outcast, and it was hard for him to communicate with other people because his mental age is lower than his actual age,” Scott Wallace said. “I was ashamed to relate to him in a social setting because of that.”
Ultimately, Scott Wallace’s shame, better phrased as an obscure form of internalized ableism, was overwhelmed by an abundance of love and an understanding that blood is thicker than water.
But he is only one of many.
Out of the millions of neurodivergent children in the United States, the experiences of their neurotypical siblings are often forgotten, suppressed, and left behind in exchange for their own success stories.
As they stumble through the inner workings of communication and social development, it is valuable for parents to remember that unity throughout the entire family is what makes children grow.
“I always tell parents to find time to take one child at a time and make a special moment,” said Erin Roseborough, a certified child life specialist at the UC Davis MIND Institute.
Of course, that is easier said than done.
Fifteen to 20 percent of children in the United States are neurodivergent, which comes to more than 58 million people across the nation, according to the National Cancer Institute.
Neurodiversity is an umbrella term that represents a broad range of neurological conditions like autism spectrum disorder (ASD), attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), learning disabilities, and Tourette syndrome (TS).
Individually, these conditions can present various behavioral, social, and cognitive challenges, which are further amplified when they co-occur with one another.
The more intense the challenges are, the more intense the disparity between a neurotypical child and their sibling becomes.
A girl might redden when her brother stims in public or shy away from the stares of condescending strangers if he makes loud noises, reinforcing the misconception that normality is just a life without disability.
“If I’m having a new person at my house, I have to prepare them and tell them it’s not going to be normal,” Scott Wallace said. “I tell them how my brother will act so they’re not too shocked.”
What many do not see is that growing up with a neurodivergent sibling makes it both easier and harder to love.
The multifaceted nature mimics that of a roller coaster: there are dips and drops, characterized by a series of discouraging words like shame, embarrassment, jealousy, and so on.
Yet, more often than not, it is represented by a disparate bond as strong as glue, a spirit of compassion and empathy that goes beyond words, and an intricate life that is embraced and loved.
‘Why me?’: internalized ableism
According to the American Psychological Association, children start to think more about the world around them from 3 to 5 years old, leading to “why” and “how” questions that do not always have answers, like puzzle pieces that do not align.
Neurotypical children who are subjected to their sibling’s behavioral challenges tend to internalize these difficulties, particularly more violent behaviors like physical aggression, verbal aggression, temper tantrums, and meltdowns.
This can cause an intrusive response of shame and embarrassment that lasts beyond years, which is amplified by the harsh stares of strangers or judgment from so-called friends.
“If people realized that Daniel was my brother, I tried to hide that. I didn’t want people to associate me with that,” Scott Wallace said. “But now I realize that is not something I should be ashamed of.”
This may seem contradictory because children with neurodivergent siblings are taught the most about accepting and embracing differences.
“My parents explained to me what neurodiversity entailed and how it is not something you can control. They helped me realize that I should be helping Daniel instead,” Scott Wallace said.
But oftentimes, this newfound awareness simply strengthens the perceived discrepancy between a neurotypical child and their neurodivergent sibling.
“It’s happened before where people make jokes to my face, knowing that he’s my brother. They would call him the R-word and make jokes about how he’s not mature or how his voice is high,” Scott Wallace said.
In a study found in Frontiers in Psychiatry, 62.5% of university students reported actively experiencing feelings of frustration, sadness, and exhaustion due to their neurodivergent sibling, which implies that internalized ableism does not always end at a young age, as it mostly did for Scott Wallace.
“I still often try to get Daniel to go out of the house or go on a bike ride,” Scott Wallace said. “For people who know me closely and have been around many times, it doesn’t matter as much, but when new people come over, it’s still sort of embarrassing.”
Roseborough runs the sibling sessions at the UC Davis MIND Institute, where neurotypical children meet once a month to navigate through the complexities of their unconventional family life.
“We had a session where neurotypical children gave one message to their parents; it was something that they wanted to tell them anonymously,” Roseborough said. “We had another session that was just talking about family stress, sibling stress, and their own stress.”
When neurotypical children do not have access to these kinds of opportunities, their bottled-up feelings can turn into resentment.
“We noticed that the kids that come to the sessions just really need to be heard,” Roseborough said. “Maybe in the car ride their brother or sister was screaming or overstepping the conversation, but they just wanted to share things.”
While these abstract emotions may seem impossible to overcome, programs like the sibling sessions and Sibshops, which Roseborough also leads, offer neurotypical children a chance and safe space to open up and find comfort in common experiences.
“Some of the parents were saying their teenager does not do anything. No school activity, no sports, nothing, but they can’t wait for the sessions every month,” Roseborough said. “It’s really exceeded our expectations.”
‘It’s not fair!’: attention discrepancy
More time, more attention, and more love. Neurodivergent children, who generally have higher support needs, require more of everything.
This can be difficult for a neurotypical child to accept, even if they understand their family’s unique circumstances.
After all, the difference in individualized attention that parents provide to their neurodivergent child — along with visits to speech therapists, applied behavior analysis therapists, occupational therapists, and other specialists — can feel like outright favoritism, even though it is not meant to be.
Roseborough found that one of the top requests from neurotypical children to their parents was to spend more one-on-one time together.
“What I hear kids say all the time is my parents are too busy, we have too many appointments,” Roseborough said. “So, it could be going to the grocery store and getting a treat or doing something a little extra. It doesn’t have to be costly, but doing that kind of thing where it’s just the two of you and making that time is so important.”
When neurotypical children lack this kind of individualized attention, it is easy to regress into a “False Self,” which is characterized by a lack of self-identity and a hunger for attention that is never satisfied, according to an exploratory study from Smith College.
“Parents are also expected to do so much for their kids in regards to having them meet their developmental milestones,” said Ana Magallanes, a speech-language pathologist from Ability Path, a disability services and support organization. “A big thing that I prioritize is checking in on parents to make sure they are emotionally okay because if they aren’t, their kid isn’t going to be either.”
That does not necessarily mean that parents of neurodivergent children are regretful of their lives.
According to an article found in Current Psychology, most parents of children on the autism spectrum use self-forgiveness as a tool to mitigate stress, guilt, and shame.
It just means that they need to spend more time and effort figuring out the most effective method of parenting, which may involve years of trial and error or may never be found.
Sometimes, someone else has to pay the price. With more resources allocated to their neurodivergent child, parents can end up unintentionally sacrificing their neurotypical child, thrusting them into the role of an adult and leaving them to depend on themselves.
“When I was younger, I looked forward to the time when my brother would go off to college because I would have my parents to myself,” Scott Wallace said.
Neurotypical children exhibit a variety of responses to win validation from mom and dad. These can be positive: praise comes from an A+ on a math test or scoring perfect tens in a gymnastics competition. These might be negative: reprimands come from breaking the rules and getting in trouble.
“My parents were like ‘no ball in the house, no ball in the house,’ but I would purposely play ball in the house. Sometimes I would break picture frames just to get attention,” Scott Wallace said.
A father might not have time to watch his daughter’s dance showcase because he has to send his son to speech therapy. A mother might not attend back-to-school night because her daughter with cerebral palsy cannot be left home alone.
To counter this, the Indiana Resource Center for Autism recommends that parents set similar expectations for their children, effectively communicate with their neurotypical child about neurodiversity, and carve out “just us” time every day, even if it is only for 10 minutes.
“I always tell families to just be cautious and mindful of the neurotypical child because they’re never going to complain about it,” Roseborough said.
The dreaded question: future responsibility
What happens when the parents of a neurodivergent child die?
Most of the time, parents bear the brunt of responsibility for their neurodivergent child, looking after them until they pass away or are physically unable to anymore.
“Even if they retire, my parents will still take care of Daniel if they’re able to,” Scott Wallace said. “Because I’m young and if I’m trying to make a life for myself, it would be hard to adapt and take care of him.”
Scott Wallace wonders what will happen when his parents die, or rather, what will happen to his older brother who has years left to live but cannot survive completely on his own?
According to the Autism Parenting Magazine, many neurodivergent adults are placed in group homes, nursing facilities, or supported living environments when their caregivers are absent.
Parents set up Medicaid insurance, Achieving a Better Life Experience (ABLE) accounts, and special needs trusts to finance these long-term living arrangements, which they begin pouring funds into early on.
However, there may be one more immediate family member to inherit the caregiver role: a brother or sister.
“My dad told me I have to take care of my brother when he dies,” said Gabriel Johnson*, a high school student from the Bay Area whose older brother has autism. “I’m supposed to make sure he doesn’t make any decisions where he can get taken advantage of because he is too nice.”
The majority of university students from a study published by Frontiers in Psychiatry reported that their neurodivergent sibling contributed to their career choice; in a sense, it is kind of like giving up a part of life.
This concern is common at Roseborough’s sibling sessions.
“At a young age, you wouldn’t think these kids are thinking about the future so far ahead. They would say what happens when my parents are gone? Do I have to have this on me my whole life?” Roseborough said.
Neurotypical children learn the important moral that life is made of sacrifices. Just like parents will dedicate their lives to caring for their neurodivergent child, many neurotypical children choose to follow in their footsteps, with some left to ponder what life would be like without a sibling.
This is better observed through the increase in sibling programs for neurotypical children preparing for a future role, which shot up from four programs in the 1970s to 30 programs in the 2010s, according to research from the Current Developmental Disorders Reports.
“I think there will be a semi-long-term responsibility for me because Daniel will probably go to college, but my parents are not sure if he will be able to live on his own or how the situation will be,” Scott Wallace said.
According to the Lighthouse Autism Center, parents tend to place higher expectations on neurotypical children because they are expected to be independent and financially secure.
Parents tend to place higher expectations on neurotypical children because they are expected to be independent and financially secure — how else will they support both themselves and their sibling?
“Sometimes, kids just wanted their parents to not put so much pressure on them to get good grades since they are supposed to be the perfect child,” Roseborough said.
Most neurotypical children are willing to shoulder this responsibility because they recognize that for their siblings, especially those who are nonverbal, sometimes family is all there is.
“Communicating, to connecting, to even playing with a neurodivergent child, experiencing life together is going to look different,” Magallanes said.
Though it takes sacrifice and commitment, Scott Wallace and Johnson are more than happy to spend the rest of their lives with a cherished friend.
“Being an only child is not as good as I used to think it would be because you don’t have someone to talk to or play with,” Scott Wallace said. “Now I realize that my experience is what makes me unique and I appreciate it more.”
How it all works out
Neurodivergent or not, for many, just having a sibling is a gift for life.
As the term “neurodiversity” gains popularity, more and more people celebrate what it embodies: a life enriched by compassion, empathy, and a keen understanding of the strengths and individuality of each person in the world.
“It made me want to get to know people before I make an assumption about them. Because I noticed that a lot of people judge my brother just off of what they have heard about him or how they see him act,” Scott Wallace said.
As Scott Wallace grows older and sheds the remnants of his childhood immaturity, he becomes more and more appreciative of the brother he was gifted, parting with the time when he blamed his parents for giving birth to a child who was “different.”
He reminiscences fun moments, like hanging out with his brother on the weekends.
“I volunteer to do something and hang out with Daniel. That’s kind of forced us to stay close, which I think is a good thing,” Scott Wallace said. “When we were younger, especially going to the same schools, we could walk with each other and see each other around the block.”
He remembers courageous acts, like defending his brother from bullies during practice for a school play. That time, Scott Wallace turned into a superhero he never knew he could be.
“I was sitting with my friends and I noticed Daniel sitting by himself, so I went over to sit with him. The other kids were basically shaming me for sitting with him,” Scott Wallace said. “I stayed with him, and since I was a bigger kid at the time, they didn’t want to mess with me.”
Afterward, Scott Wallace confronted the bullies and criticized them for being mean. Looking back on these small yet powerful moments, he recognizes how neurodiversity — a core part of his identity — has allowed him to change and grow.
“It helped me mature faster because I had to be Daniel’s built-in protector, as my parents couldn’t be there all the time. I realized how harsh the world can be for people who are naive to their surroundings and how not everyone is able to fight back,” Scott Wallace said.
Roseborough, who has both neurotypical and neurodivergent children herself, acknowledges that the indestructible relationship between her children is one of the most precious aspects of her life.
“My kids are so much more compassionate toward other individuals with disabilities. There’s even a kid on our basketball team who has autism, and my sons are always helping him,” Roseborough said. “And then the opposite for my daughter, she just gets tons of care and love.”
Even Johnson, who only learned about neurodiversity in middle school, admires how his older brother has transformed his outlook on life.
“It has given me a better view of the world. Most people view individuals with autism negatively, but I don’t see them as any different,” Johnson said.
Johnson is right in the sense that no brain is better than another. Neurodiversity is proof of nature’s ability to scatter color into the world; it is proof of the value that each and every individual brings to life.
When neurodivergent people are treated as equals, their likes and dislikes, hobbies, and three-dimensional personalities are uncovered in a better light.
“Communication comes in so many different ways. It is not always verbal; you can point to things, you can use body language or even eye gaze, and so many different things to be fervent of the people around you,” Magallanes said.
Regarding the dynamics between a neurotypical child and their neurodivergent sibling, yes, there might be obstacles and roadblocks. There might be sad or even hateful moments. There might be regret, guilt, and many other unfamiliar emotions being processed for the first time.
But as Scott Wallace shows, there can be so much more.
As Canadian writer Terry Fallis once said, “With challenge comes perseverance and gumption. With hardship comes resilience and resolve. With purpose comes strength and understanding.”
To use adversity as sustenance — that is what neurodiversity personifies.
“I always tell all my sibling people, you guys have superpowers that you don’t even understand. I’ve seen people go into medicine just because of their siblings,” Roseborough said.
*In accordance with Carlmont Media’s anonymous sourcing policy, all student sources have fake names to prevent any social consequences.
