Oh my goodness, did you hear the news?! What do you mean, what news?! Didn’t you hear about that guy in Texas who shot all those kids on the school bus?!

Wait… maybe it was Virginia, not Texas. Which is the big one again? And I think he might have broken into the school, not a school BUS. Uh… geez, I can’t remember. I’ll pull up Google News, it was all over the place an hour ago.

Hang on, Google News is loading. Wait ’till you guys see this, I can’t even believe… Wait. Is that a video of a squirrel on water-skis?! That’s hysterical! Squirrels aren’t supposed to like water! And they’re certainly not supposed to posses the fine motor skills necessary to stand up on those little things! He’s being dragged behind a remote-controlled boat! Cuteness overload!

Wait. Wasn’t I supposed to be doing something…? Oh, that’s right. The shooter in… THERE’S A MAN IN NORTH CAROLINA WHO CAN FIT AN ENTIRE JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER IN HIS MOUTH. How is that possible?! How did the guy even figure that out?! Was he making a sandwich and thought to himself, “If only there was a way to eat all of this at once…”

And look at this! This guy in Tennessee fathered thirty children in fourteen years! They should make a reality show about him; I’d watch it all the time. Would you?

You guys don’t mind if I check my Facebook, do you? Didn’t think so… Ha! My ex-boyfriend just listed himself as “In a Relationship,” and I’m WAY prettier than her! Sucks for you, dude.

Twitter! I have to check what everyone’s up to… check out this tweet from Kim Kardashian: “Team work makes the dream work!!” She’s such an inspiration.

Lemme log onto to Tumblr and… what? What do you mean, I’m getting distracted? I’m not distracted! I know exactly what I was doing! Um… something about Texas! Yeah, I was looking up whether Virginia was bigger than Texas. Hang on, I’ll…

Wait, what school shooter? Was it on the news? I’ll pull up YouTube and check. What should I search? “School shooting Texas”?

Oh! Before I do, wanna see this one quick video? I found it like a month ago, and the quality isn’t that good, but the song is halfway decent. It reminds me of that song we listened to at the one restaurant. You know, the one that gives you your meal for free if you finish it? What was that place called again? Lemme Yelp it…

Oh, “Fast Fried Greasies!” Yeah, that was the bomb! That’s where you met that one cute guy who kinda looked like James Franco if you tilt your head and squint. I friended him on Facebook, you wanna stalk his profile?

Hey! HEY! Where are you going?

I swear, people these days are so easily distract- OH. EM. GEE. Did you know there was a school shooting in Texas?! Here, I’ll Google it…