Concealing the fact that some of my table manners resemble those of a caveman is a concern that is on the forefront of my mind whenever I eat in public.
Especially when I’m on a date.
It is unlikely that potential love interests would want to kiss the mouth that still has lingering bits of sauce on it from when they watched me over stuff it with food.
I have eaten food in the company of other human beings for some time now. I have found techniques to doing so without causing them to vomit or cringe, and they only burst out laughing occasionally.
My self consciousness regarding table manners stems back to my childhood, when my grandma felt compelled to scrutinize my every bite and inform me that I was eating incorrectly.
I made the ‘mistake’ of attempting to eat pizza with my hands rather than a fork and knife in front of her when I was 12, and she said, “Veronika, I am beginning to believe that you are a genetic dead-end. Men will flee from you after the first date because they will be horrified by your failure to eat like a civilized human.”
Granted her response to my pizza eating was a tad extreme by today’s standards, she had a point. The main purpose of a first date is usually to get to know someone better in order to judge whether there should be a second date. If a date takes place in an eating establishment, it is likely that one will need to eat like a normal person in order to make it to round two.
There is a plethora of sources that preach strict guidelines regarding the foods that one should order on dates. The reality is that it is possible to find an unflattering side effect to nearly every food, so there is no perfect item to order from any menu.
Kat Kinsman, Eatocracy managing editor for CNN, said, “You should order food you like, that will not make you sick or smelly.”
I would add messy to that list.
Messy is a subjective guideline, since different individuals have different levels of finesse when it comes to eating food. For instance, despite extensive training, I can not eat a burrito without spilling half of the contents on my plate. I would not order a burrito on a date, but that’s just because of my personal lack of gracefulness.
Even if you spill your soda on your date’s crotch, drop some spaghetti down your shirt, or squirt water out of your nose while laughing, remember that it isn’t the end of the world (even if it is the end of your dating history.)
