The student news site of Carlmont High School in Belmont, California.

Scot Scoop News

The student news site of Carlmont High School in Belmont, California.

Scot Scoop News

The student news site of Carlmont High School in Belmont, California.

Scot Scoop News

Satire: Israel-Hamas war — find your future husband

Find your warzone beau today in Israel and Gaza
Tiffany+Haddish+goes+on+the+dangerous+voyage+to+find+herself+her+future+man+in+Tel+Aviv+and+Jerusalem.
Israel-Hamas War Protests in the United States / Ted Eytan / Wikimedia Commons / CC BY-SA 4.0
Tiffany Haddish goes on the dangerous voyage to find herself her “future man” in Tel Aviv and Jerusalem.

Over the years, the term “passport bro” has gained traction as some Western men have begun to look abroad for foreign women who come from supposedly conservative backgrounds. So, really, if you’re looking for love, the world is your oyster.

Gone are the days of Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble. If you’re searching for your latest beau, worry not, American actress Tiffany Haddish has found THE location to find you a man: smack-dab in the middle of a warzone.

“On my way to Tel Aviv, then to Jerusalem, then I’m going to the Dead Sea and get me some,” Haddish sang in an Instagram Live on Feb. 22. “Going to have some fun, it’s gonna be great, then I’m gonna learn about the politics.” 

No, you didn’t misread that. Haddish is going to a literal warzone to supposedly “educate” herself on the Israel-Hamas war and… get her some. 

Y’know, as one does. 

Haddish was never known to have a filter, so while she was on her bougie business-class flight to her exciting vacation destination to visit victims of a horrific war, she assured her 7.4 million livestream viewers that she might “come back with a Jewish baby.” 

Forget Italy and France; apparently, Israel is where it’s at. Bullets, bombs, and babies. It’s really giving romantic. Gentlemen, take notes: date night on the Rafah border sounds like the ideal couples’ getaway. I can’t wait for the next season of “The Bachelorette” (Gaza Edition). 

After being utterly flamed by her followers for her tone-deaf words, Haddish responded: “Who said I wasn’t going to Gaza? I said I’m going to go see with my own eyes. Gotta go to Israel first.”

What Haddish really needs to see with her own eyes is a world map. In the same livestream, Haddish asked her followers, “Isn’t Gaza in Israel? Ain’t it all on the same continent, the same little piece of land and surrounded by water.”

I’m starting to wonder if Haddish wrote the Democratic Party’s U.S. Southern border policies. If Haddish is our representation of the U.S. populace, I can’t even defend Americans anymore. This is why everyone thinks we’re stupid.

Because Haddish knew everyone wanted to know what else was going inside her, she graciously made sure to specify her drink of choice. In her livestream, she assured her viewers that her drink wasn’t, in fact, champagne. It was orange juice. Seeing as that’s obviously what her viewers were most worried about.

“It’s orange juice. Champagne gives me gas, I would never do that to them,” Haddish said. 

I’m sure the Palestinians are sighing in relief because a gassy American celebrity has got to be the worst form of torture they’ve endured after being repeatedly bombed by their neighbor. 

All in all, if you found yourself single on Valentine’s Day, all hope is not lost. Just follow in Haddish’s footsteps. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll find yourself a husband and come back with Jewish or Palestinian mini-mes. 

While you’re playing real-life Tinder amidst genocide and terrorist attacks, hopefully, you may even educate yourself on the region’s geopolitics. You might miraculously find it within yourself to treat the global conflict with the seriosity it deserves.

XOXO.

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About the Contributor
Jasneh Sasan, Staff Writer
Jasneh Sasan is presently in her senior year at Carlmont, where she excels as a news and opinion writer with a fervent passion for delving into the realm of politics. Controversial subjects invigorate her and provide the driving force for her pursuits. Beyond her academic commitments, she dedicates a significant portion of her time to engaging in debate competitions and actively participating in journalistic endeavors. Her writing inclination leans towards exploring profound global socio-political matters, but from time to time, she also explores more lighthearted and amusing topics. Twitter: @JasnehSasan Instagram: @jk.sasan (main) and @jasneh.sasan (journalism)

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