The student news site of Carlmont High School in Belmont, California.

Scot Scoop News

The student news site of Carlmont High School in Belmont, California.

Scot Scoop News

The student news site of Carlmont High School in Belmont, California.

Scot Scoop News

Satire: The perfect grad speech

Graduating just to go to school again
Graduation leaves the class of ’24 with a lot of bittersweet memories… mostly bitter ones.

Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed faculty, tiger moms, and my fellow graduates, 

Today, we stand on the threshold of a new chapter in our lives. This is the moment we have anticipated for years. Today, let us celebrate the end of our free education; cheers to the hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt we’re all entering. As we gather here to celebrate our high school graduation, let us take a moment to reflect on our journey, express our gratitude, and scour for something to look forward to in the future.

High school, a place where dreams go to die, has been a transformative experience for all of us. We all entered these halls as curious and nervous freshmen, unsure of what lay ahead. Over the past four years, we have grown in ways we could never have imagined. I, personally, have aged at least two decades in the past four years. Forget being a senior, I’m basically a senior citizen now. 

To our wonderful teachers, thank you for your unwavering commitment to ensuring that we did not have lives outside of your classrooms. I personally really appreciated when you assigned hours of busy work every night and justified it by calling it “preparation for college.” 

You have not only imparted a wealth of knowledge (basic Googleable information) but have also inspired us to push beyond our limits every day (my doctor calls it “burnout”). 

I can’t wait to use the concepts we’ve learned in class in my daily life. I’m sure I’ll be analyzing sonnets on the daily at some point in my future career… or maybe I’ll be calculating the slope of the rate at which I experience marginal diminishing returns in life. While I may not be finding any limits in real life, I definitely reached my limit this school year.

Nevertheless, thank you for teaching us that anything is possible… except for rounding an 89.98% to an A. Thank you to all the teachers for syncing up all their tests on the same day… that way, instead of failing one test, I could fail four on the same day. Who doesn’t love a four-in-one deal?

I want to say a special thank you to the teachers who had multiple days of final tests and assigned group projects. I really enjoyed having to study for multiple finals at once and working on a group project for three other people – it was really the highlight of my high school experience.

The actual highlight of my high school experience was skipping school to study for tests. The movies lied to me; while Noah Centineo may be cutting classes to Netflix and Chill, I was stuck with Heimler’s History videos and Khan Academy. 

On the bright side, I did expand my reading list significantly. The book that made me cry the hardest was “Foerster’s Calculus Concepts and Applications, Second Edition.”

To my fellow graduates, I’m incredibly proud to stand here with some of you today. The rest, I’d rather not see ever again in my life. We have shared countless memories, mostly embarrassing ones that I hope to forget as soon as I set foot off this campus. 

The world we are entering is full of possibilities – it is a world that requires leaders of our generation. I’m praying for said world if any of us become global leaders. I see future TikTokers, frat bros, and STEM kids waiting to experience academic burnout next semester. I can’t wait for some of you to become famous so I can make money off saying I was your best friend in high school.

I know you all are excited about finishing school, but let me remind you that you have at least four years left – eight if you care about being financially stable. 

You are going to face adversity, you will face challenges, some of your teachers will refuse to curve tests, college will not be easy. Remember that you have proven that you’re capable of overcoming adversity – you made it out of here, it can’t be that much worse. We have faced COVID-19, maskfishing, five horrendous Taylor Swift albums, and high school – we’re prepared for the world.

In closing, I would like to share an inspirational quote from former President Herbert Hoover: “Blessed are the young, for they will inherit the national debt.” Congratulations, Class of 2024! 

Signing off,


Navigate Left
Navigate Right
About the Contributor
Jasneh Sasan
Jasneh Sasan, Staff Writer
Jasneh Sasan is presently in her senior year at Carlmont, where she excels as a news and opinion writer with a fervent passion for delving into the realm of politics. Controversial subjects invigorate her and provide the driving force for her pursuits. Beyond her academic commitments, she dedicates a significant portion of her time to engaging in debate competitions and actively participating in journalistic endeavors. Her writing inclination leans towards exploring profound global socio-political matters, but from time to time, she also explores more lighthearted and amusing topics. Twitter: @JasnehSasan Instagram: @jk.sasan (main) and @jasneh.sasan (journalism)

Comments (0)

We invite comments and responses to our content. Comments that are deemed appropriate and relevant will be published.
All Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *