The student news site of Carlmont High School in Belmont, California.

Scot Scoop News

The student news site of Carlmont High School in Belmont, California.

Scot Scoop News

The student news site of Carlmont High School in Belmont, California.

Scot Scoop News

Satire: American LOLitics leaves us between a rock and a hard place

I’ve never been so entertained and confused in my life
House Republicans Put Trump First / Gage Skidmore / Progressive Policy Institute / CC BY-SA 2.0
Donald Trump is back on the ballot and trumping his opponents one at a time. Will 2024 be Trump’s year?

Donald Trump is back on the ballot for the 2024 presidential primary elections and is trumping his opponents significantly. 

Who would have imagined that, after eight years of voicing concerns about senior citizens in the White House, we find ourselves with a 78-year-old and an 82-year-old dominating the ballot? It seems I’ve stumbled upon my retirement plan — destination: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington D.C.

However, it appears that there’s much to learn before I consider a run for office. Fortunately, I have some exemplary candidates to serve as a source of inspiration.

Just look at former presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy’s genius foreign policy plan. On the campaign trail, Ramaswamy said, “Taiwan, we are coming for you. We are with you. Put a gun in every household, Xi (Jinping) ain’t got nothing on us. That is what it means to be Americans.” 

Obviously, if the world were to adopt anything from America, it should be our constant obsession with rifles and revolvers. Forget white flags, diplomatic talks, and olive branches; Ramaswamy quite literally derived his foreign policy plan from the movie, “Rambo.”

“I am a nice person” and so humble, too. (Jasneh Sasan)

While Ramaswamy, our resident Trump-wannabe, is ready to eliminate China, his idol, Trump, is drawing inspiration from China’s border arrangements.

In an interview about the Mexican-origin U.S. District Judge Gonzalo Curiel, Trump said, “I think I’m going to do very well with Hispanics. But we’re building a wall. He’s a Mexican. We’re building a wall between here and Mexico.”

Perhaps Trump is onto something; China has a wall, and I’ve never seen a Mexican on the mainland. 

Meanwhile, following the New Hampshire primaries, Ron Desantis, the governor of Florida, called it quits on the race for the Republican presidential nomination and reluctantly endorsed Trump’s campaign. You’d have thought someone held a gun to his head to concede the loss. Seeing as nobody is more pro-gun than Desantis, he probably thought it was patriotic anyway.

Say what you want about DeSanctimonious’ policies; the only thing more unnerving than his inability to campaign in his own state is his inability to smile on camera. I, for one, am glad I don’t have to watch the poor guy glitch continuously to conjure up an appropriate human emotion. If anything, he should’ve taken lessons from the vice president.

There’s still one candidate in the race against Trump: Nikki “Nimrata” Haley. If you don’t know her, I don’t blame you — I’m not sure she knows who she is either. 

Haley has a lot to say about redefining the American identity, but she still can’t figure out if she’s Indian or white. For someone who has criticized identity politics in America, Haley’s racial, religious, and political identity change faster than California’s weather. 

If you thought the Republican candidates were off their rockers — the Democratic presidential nominee needs to be in one. Joe Biden made a lot of campaign promises in 2020, but he hasn’t successfully fulfilled any of them. I can’t even blame him; he probably doesn’t remember them.

If you missed tickets to Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour, you can still hop onto what Biden calls his national “Bidenomics tour,” where he desperately tries to convince Americans that he did more than stumble on his words during his presidency. Unluckily for him, Biden’s approval ratings chart definitely shares a stark resemblance with his health reports.

We’ve got a vice president who won’t stop laughing, and then we have Ron Desantis… who doesn’t know how to. (Kamala Harris / Gage Skidmore / Wikimedia Commons / CC BY-SA 2.0)

In an interview, former presidential candidate Chris Christie said, “I pray every night for Joe Biden’s good health– not because he’s our president, but because of who our vice-president is.”

As if America wasn’t already becoming the world’s laughingstock, Christie is correct; it could be much worse. 

Kamala Harris, however, doesn’t share the same sentiments. In an interview with CBS, the vice president enthusiastically and all too quickly said that she would be ready to assume the role of commander-in-chief “if necessary.” 

I don’t know about Harris, but I feel like, at this point, I’m ready to assume the role of president as well, seeing as there is no longer a standard for leadership in the United States. Seeing as the Constitution has proven to be a slight hindrance to my campaign, I suppose I’ll just have to patiently wait another hundred election cycles for my name to be on the ballot– at least then, I’ll be old enough to start campaigning.

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About the Contributor
Jasneh Sasan
Jasneh Sasan, Staff Writer
Jasneh Sasan is presently in her senior year at Carlmont, where she excels as a news and opinion writer with a fervent passion for delving into the realm of politics. Controversial subjects invigorate her and provide the driving force for her pursuits. Beyond her academic commitments, she dedicates a significant portion of her time to engaging in debate competitions and actively participating in journalistic endeavors. Her writing inclination leans towards exploring profound global socio-political matters, but from time to time, she also explores more lighthearted and amusing topics. Twitter: @JasnehSasan Instagram: @jk.sasan (main) and @jasneh.sasan (journalism)

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