WARNING: If you are an easily offended Twilight fan, look away now. Because I don’t want any death threats.

In case your head has been shoved into some sand, or you’ve been residing under a boulder somewhere, you should probably know that the penultimate Twilight movie is coming out shortly. “Breaking Dawn Part 1” will arrive into theaters tomorrow. I hope you all know just how pumped I am.

Yippee.

For all you poor, uninformed students out there who have never heard of the Twilight series, I will kindly summarize all the previous movies for you, so that you too may go and view the masterpiece that “Breaking Dawn Part 1” is sure to be.

I’d say “SPOILER ALERT,” but considering that everyone and their mother already knows what happens (or simply doesn’t care), I’ll skip it.

“Twilight” is about a whiny teenaged girl with only one facial expression. This, the fact that her mother has shipped her off to live with her father (who redefines the word “oblivious”) in Forks, Washington, and the horrible idea that people actually seem to enjoy her company and wish to (say it ain’t so!) talk to her on a regular basis is seemingly enough to give Blandy McWhinerson an excuse to prattle on for at least half of the movie about how difficult her life is.

Then, her tragically pleasant existence is turned upside down and mugged for it’s lunch money. In short: she meets the vampire. An uncomfortably gorgeous, immortal, nice-smelling demigod whose hair defies gravity and who lives off a steady diet of elk blood and glitter.

Upon meeting Blandy, Demigod realizes his purpose in life: to stalk her mercilessly, yet pull away when she tries to make any sort of physical and emotional contact whatsoever.

Then, for reasons I’m still not entirely sure of (it involved some sort of car accident…? A walk on the beach…?), Blandy gets the idea in her head that perhaps this emaciated boy who somehow still manages to have the strength of a few dozen professional wrestlers and whose voice never rises above a sensual whisper might not be ENTIRELY human. So, going to consult the always-accurate internet, she comes to the conclusion that Demigod is a VAMPIRE.

Anyone else see that coming from a mile away? I mean, the shock is kind of lessened when you put the big secret on the back cover of the BOOK, for crying out loud…

But I digress.

Anyway, Blandy confronts Demigod about this enormous, shocking (not really) secret, and he fesses up. Then, he tells her that she is his one true love and he is deeply in love with her and yadda, yadda, yadda.

The rest of the movie is spent trying to avoid another vampire whose sole purpose in life is to turn Blandy into Meow-Mix, with Demigod and his family of fabulous superheroes saving her life at every turn (with the exception of one scene, where for some completely random and weird reason, they play a game of baseball. Apparently, when you’re seven hundred years old and eat squirrels as a midnight snack, you can still enjoy America’s pastime).

On to “New Moon”.

Blandy goes to her birthday party, and manages to impale herself on a piece of ribbon. Seriously. The girl is walking Band-Aid commercial. The scent of angst-ridden blood proves too much for one member of the vampire family, who tries to eat her. Demigod tries to save her life by throwing her full-speed into a piano covered with glass. Makes perfect sense to me.

Demigod blames himself for Blandy’s various injuries (which makes sense. Everything but the inexplicable ribbon attack was totally his fault). So logically, he decides that if he leaves Blandy all alone in the middle of a wolf-infested forest, she’ll be safer than with him here.

Way to go, man. Why not just cover her with barbecue sauce while you’re at it?

Blandy finds her way home without being eaten by some creepy-crawly thing. The rest of the movie is spent with her doing four things:

1. Weeping inconsolably about her missing boyfriend, and being an all-around sad-sack.

2. Hanging out with her childhood friend (who is now a muscly werewolf), who continually tries to convince her that she is better off being with him, and not said missing boyfriend.

3. Doing things that are completely stupid and dangerous, in order to see visions of her missing boyfriend. (I did not make this up. This actually happens. And it is never really explained, either. Much like the rest of the things in these movies. But I digress.)

4. Going to Italy in order to find and save said missing boyfriend from being torn apart by a murderous crowd of sparkly-vampire haters.

Then, one of the big-daddy vampires tells Demigod that Blandy must become a vampire in a year, or… something bad will happen, I guess.

“Eclipse”:

A group of vampires fights the group of werewolves that happen to coincidentally live across the road from Demigod and his family. This movie really had nothing to do with either of the previous ones. It really only exists to give Demigod and Wolfy the Childhood  Friend lots of opportunities to fight over Blandy (who STILL has no redeemable qualities whatsoever).

Demigod also proposes to Blandy a few dozen times, who continually begs him to… well, do stuff I’m not technically allowed to say on this site.

She finally agrees, the GOOD vampires win (shocker), and we FINALLY arrive at the last movie of the series.

Now opening is “Breaking Dawn”: In which Blandy and Demigod are wed.

Then, during their honeymoon, they find out that Blandy’s eggo is preggo with Demigods baby. (Don’t even get me STARTED on all the physical impossibilities this involves.) The resulting fetus is apparently extremely offensive to both the pack of shirtless werewolves, and to the big-daddy vampires back in Italy. So both wage war on Blandy, Demigod, and all they know and love.

Will Blandy’s baby be killed by werewolves? Will it be destroyed by Italian vampires? More importantly, will I start caring?

“Breaking Dawn Part 1” comes out November 18, but don’t even bother trying to buy a ticket. They’ve been sold out for MONTHS, now.

Because apparently, people pay money to go see this in theaters.

Go figure.