‘Mirror Mirror’ too cheesy to succeed

It’s often that a movie comes along where a bad actor is put into a good role, but can’t carry the movie on their spindly shoulders. It’s even more often that a good actor is put into a bad role, and can’t save the movie from itself.

“Mirror Mirror”, unfortunately commits the second act, and then some. Even with a cast of well-known stars (Julia Roberts! Nathan Lane! Sean Bean!), the cheesy plot and many inconsistencies keep the movie jilted, and the audience bored.

The plot is basically “Snow White”- except that it isn’t. Not at all. There is literally no resemblance to the original work, except the main characters’ names. Snow isn’t a poor servant girl; she’s the heir to a large and formerly-prosperous kingdom. The seven dwarfs (who have been renamed with adorable monikers like “Grub” and “Chuck”) aren’t happy-go-lucky miners; they’re evil little thieves with Napoleon complexes.  Perhaps the greatest change made was the Evil Queen, though it’s unlikely she can even be called “evil” anymore. Julia Roberts plays her with such earnestness and good humor that it’s hard not to root for her.

The matter isn’t helped by that fact that Snow herself is about as interesting as a stump. Newcomer Lily Collins (the daughter of Phil Collins, who performed the music for “Tarzan” and, therefore, has my ultimate respect) plays the titular character (Snow White, not the mirror) with the energy of a narcoleptic. Her acting is sweet at its best, and mind-numbingly bland at its worst. Everything she does, from sword fighting to giving impassioned speeches, causes the movie to come to screeching halt from the sheer lack of sympathy she elicits- and you know it’s a bad “Snow White” movie when the only people you really care about are the dwarfs.

This is not to say that “Mirror Mirror” is the worst movie ever made. Some of the dialogue is cheesy enough to elicit laughs, and Armie “The Pecs” Hammer is swoon-worthy enough to make his scenes watchable (it doesn’t hurt that he spends the majority of the movie shirtless).

All in all, however, “Mirror Mirror” is a ninety-minute trudge through a snow-covered magical kingdom. It’s best to just wait for “Snow White and the Huntsman” to arrive in theaters- even if you DO have to sit through Kristen Stewart’s blank face for an hour in order to do so.

2.0 out of 5 stars.

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