Satire: Biden’s back on the ballot

Biden wants to “finish the job” — I’m scared he will.


Biden / Gage Skidmore / Wikimedia Commons / CC BY-SA 2.0

President Joe Biden is back on the 2024 election ballot with Kamala Harris.

Joe Biden has done quite a lot during his presidency so far: from gracefully sliding down a flight of stairs, to constantly resting his eyes at important global summits, to describing America in a single word: “Ahwasafootimafootbuddafoot.” How patriotic.

Biden has been known for his verbal fumbles, often confusing Americans with his political gaffes. Yet, most Americans heard him loud and clear this week when he announced that he would be running for reelection.

The 80-year-old president shouldn’t be running for anything– much less running for another term in office. Perhaps Americans should follow in France’s footsteps and protest for a lower retirement age.

In other news: Biden’s invisible side-kick, Vice President Kamala Harris, has come out of hiding! Contrary to popular belief, this isn’t a laughing matter; on Wednesday, Harris proudly announced that she would be running alongside Biden for reelection.

Former Republican governor of South Carolina, Nikki Haley, said what we were all thinking.

“The idea that [Biden] will make it until 86 years old is not something that I think is likely,” Haley said in an interview with Fox News. 

In response to comments like Haley’s, Biden responded at a press conference.

“With regard to age, I can’t even say I guess how old I am, I can’t even say the number. It doesn’t register with me,” Biden said.

Well — that’s certainly boosting confidence amongst voters. Biden has been assuring people that his age is just a number — one that’s too large for him to count.

Nevertheless, don’t let the political “gurus” trick you into thinking Biden’s run for reelection is a bad thing. Quite the contrary, Biden’s announcement has single-handedly revived American entertainment. 

Despite that, let’s not sleep on Biden’s numerous political accomplishments so far. During his time in office, the U.S. managed to lose its most powerful ally in the Middle East, Biden managed to exacerbate the American border crisis overnight, and increased the national debt by nearly $4 trillion in one year. I’m sure that’s what he meant when he promised unprecedented changes.

On the bright side, if there’s one group of people looking forward to next year’s elections, it’s the Indians. With four Indian-origin candidates on the ballot, it’s time to make America Indian again. 

For all the people worried about A.I. taking over American jobs, hopefully, it takes over the president’s next. At least then, the U.S. will have a coherent leader. Until then, it looks like we’ll be bidin’ our time.