In light of everything that has happened in Israel and Palestine in the past six months, Americans have done what Americans do best: taken to the streets. Not just any streets, but those of college campuses, because what better way to avenge the deaths of hundreds of thousands of individuals than to harass already frazzled, massively indebted college students on their way to class during finals season?
I’m sure the Palestinians can breathe easier now that college students are hiding out in their dorm rooms to escape the frenzy of protestors outside their building.
What is even better is the cancellation of graduation ceremonies across the country because walking the stage has been deemed “too dangerous” for students. Just this week, Columbia University canceled its commencement ceremony amidst thousands of hostile protesters storming their campus.
Looks like the class of 2024 just can’t catch a break when it comes to graduation ceremonies. After their 2020 experience, which felt more like a drive-thru at McDonald’s, they’re now facing a déjà vu of their worst nightmare.
In all seriousness, these college protests have raised critical questions about the extent to which Americans should be able to express their right to protest. In the protestors’ defense, the First Amendment does guarantee some pretty broad freedoms like the right to free speech, the freedom to practice one’s religion, the right to protest, the freedom to smash any windows on-site, and the freedom to injure any innocent onlookers in a 10-mile radius… or something of that sort.
The protestors this year have gotten extra creative because nothing cries “freedom” like throwing a backpack full of rats into an encampment of protestors. It looks like we’ve even gone as far as to re-enact the bombings of Oct. 7 by launching fireworks into a crowd of protestors.
The best thing that has come out of these protests might just be the overwhelming support for Greek life. “Frat Bros Saving America” wasn’t on my 2024 bingo card, but that might be the least crazy thing to happen this year. In the midst of tense protests, a surprising group has emerged as unlikely national heroes: frat bros. These party-loving chads have traded in their red cups for a newfound sense of patriotism, guarding the American flag with unwavering dedication as they pitch in to clean up their campuses. When the frat dudes are the ones telling you the party’s over and it’s time to go home, you know things have reached a whole new level of crazy.
I must admit, even I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of emotion as the backward-capped, graphic-teed heroes of the University of North Carolina proudly raised the American flag, their off-key rendition of the national anthem echoing across the campus.
When it comes to raising awareness, Americans definitely have their unique approach. While your average American might struggle to locate Palestine on a labeled map, they certainly won’t hesitate to passionately advocate for boycotting some random company that may have tenuous ties to the conflict in Gaza. And let’s not forget their enthusiasm for commenting “boycott (insert miscellaneous company)” on every influencer’s Instagram post.
Then comes the main event: the protest. Protestors will show up in droves, ready to smash a few windows, burn some flags, and maybe even release a few rodents — all in the name of raising awareness, of course.
In fact, in an interview with the NY Post, a Columbia student who was protesting at a New York University pro-Palestine protest said, “I’m not actually sure what we’re protesting; I think we all need to get a little more educated about this”… and then she proceeded to shout “from the river to the sea” with the rest of her fellow protestors.
In other news, when a University of California, Berkeley political science professor polled political science majors about the chant “from the river to the sea,” he discovered that 86% of students said they supported the chant to varying degrees but only 46% of said students were able to correctly identify the names of the river and sea in question.
The most popular incorrect river was the Nile River… in Egypt. Many erroneously identified the sea as the Atlantic — which is an ocean — or the Dead Sea — which is a lake. My favorite answer was the Caribbean — at least that is a sea.
Honestly, the United States should implement a mandatory testing policy for protestors. I created a strategic plan to ensure that protestors are eligible to protest. It consists of a short, two-question verbal quiz:
- Can you point to Palestine on a map?
- Can you provide a 5-sentence summary of what is actually happening in the region that you are so passionate about?
Forget handcuffs; let’s bring in the pop quizzes! It’s like protesting with a side of geography class — sure to thin out the crowds faster than you can say “activism 101.”
While protestors have been trying to liberate the land between the Caribbean and the Nile River, Biden’s initial response was to pretend the civil unrest across the country didn’t exist. Then again, that is his initial response to most domestic and international crises.
Last week, however, in a press conference, Mr. President finally realized he had a country to run. The Biden administration has officially denounced violent protests but has done nothing thus far to restore order, leaving students and innocent bystanders vulnerable to protestors’ hostility.
With all said and done, it’s obvious that the solution to the Israel-Hamas war isn’t foreign aid or diplomatic foreign policy. Instead, we should all obviously smash windows, commit arson, issue threats, and resort to violence and vandalism. Together, we can liberate the land from the Atlantic Ocean to the Euphrates River.
