- A North Carolina man who led deputies on a high-speed chase across Rowan County late Wednesday told authorities he was driving over 120 mph and eluding police because Dr. Phil told him America was under an alien invasion.
- Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief’s description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, “Yeah, that’s the woman I robbed.”
- In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
- A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. “He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants,” said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man’s charred trousers in custody.
- A longhaired type came to a courthouse on official business. He attempted to pass through the metal detector, but it went off. He was ushered back through and handed the deputy his keys, jackknife, and pocket change. It still went off. He then handed over an enormous metal belt buckle and tried again. Again the alarm went off. At that point, he threw up his hands and told the deputy: “I give up. The bag of dope’s in my pocket.” (I don’t know what’s dumber… The fact this guy gave himself up, or the fact he thought a bag of dope would set off a METAL detector.)
- A man walked into a 7-11, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the register, the man pulled a gun and took all the cash. The man then fled- leaving his $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the register? Fifteen dollars.
- It seems a man, wanting to rob a Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote “This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in the bag.” While standing in line, he got worried someone might have seen him write it. So he left, and crossed the street to a nearby Wells Fargo. The clerk read the note, and determined from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box. She told him she couldn’t accept the stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip, and he would either have to write one on a Wells Fargo deposit slip or return to Bank of America. She then called the police. The sheriff found the crook in Bank of America, waiting in line.
- A man in New York City was pulled aside by a man wearing a trench coat. The stranger explained to him that he was planning on robbing the bank nearby, but needed something to cover his face with. He gave the innocent bystander a dollar to go buy a mask with. The man took the dollar, entered the store… and called the police.
- A man was recently arrested from a police lineup, after calling out, “HEY! DON’T YOU RECOGNIZE ME?!”
- A pair of nervous robbers entered a department store, frantically waving guns around. One shouted “NOBODY MOVE!” Someone moved- it was his partner. The first thief was so startled that he shot him.
- A man in Arkansas tried to rob a liquor store by throwing a cement block at the window. Unfortunately for him, the window was made of plexi-glass. The cinder block bounced off and hit the would-be thief in the head, knocking him out. To add insult to injury, the entire thing was captured on video tape.
- Three men attempted to rob a house, but were scared off by a video game. Apparently, the kids inside were playing Grand Theft Auto, which includes phrases like, “This is the police! We have you surrounded!” The robbers thought police really were waiting outside, and promptly dove through a window to escape.
- A would-be thief in Georgetown, Guyana intended to use duct tape bind a family and then rob them. Bad plan. Some good citizens heard their teen-aged neighbor screaming after the crook busted into her home. They went to investigate and found the girl and her grandma struggling with the crook. The neighbors used the crook’s own duct tape to attach him securely to a utility pole until police arrived to take him into custody.
- A doctor was held up at gunpoint, and the thief demanded all the money he had in his pocket. The doctor said he had no bills, but would be happy to write a check. The robber happily agreed, and gave the doctor his full name. Needless to say, the police had no trouble finding him.
- A group of men tried to rob a store that sells security equipment. Luckily, they were caught on no less than seventeen video cameras. Failing to realize it was, in fact, a surveillance-equipment store, the morons also managed not to notice the giant sign that said, “SMILE! YOU’RE ON CAMERA!”
