Kristen Dames | Scot Scoop NewsYet again, another over-played vampire movie invaded theaters, this one by the name of “Dark Shadows.”
“Dark Shadows” was an all around failure of movie that the producers choose to categorize as “Horror-Comedy.”
It attempted to be a horror-comedy-romance-mystery, but didn’t succeed at a single category.
An 18th century snob (Johnny Depp) sleeps with, and then dumps a maid, who just happens to be a witch. This obsessive witch decides to make it her immortal life’s purpose to destroy him.
She begins by killing his parents, making the girl he loves jump off a cliff, and turning him into a vampire. She then gets the towns-folk to lock him in an iron casket for the next couple of centuries.
His prison is unearthed by a crew of construction workers, who, of course, decide it is a marvelous idea to break the chains off the creepy iron casket in the middle of the forest.
They predictably die.
Depp then proceeds to his old mansion, where his family’s descendants are now living in the year 1972.
For reasons unknown, the Collins family takes in the creepy looking man with bad make up and bizarre clothes.
The family consists of a suspicious mother, her freaky teenage daughter who doesn’t seem able to stand up straight or walk properly, her greedy brother, his son who happens to see the ghost of his mother, and the drunken female psychiatrist hired to help the crazy child.
The Collins coincidentally just hired a governess who looks exactly like Depp’s dead love.
The still living, love-scorned witch finds out about his escape and decides to ruin his undead life once again.
The bad vampire make-up was equal to the quality of Edward Cullen’s. The love interest of our main character was just as helpless as Bella Swan.
This bizarre movie is filled with just enough random plot changes and holes in the story to make movie-goers indifferent to the struggling characters on screen.
Clichés were almost as frequent as plot mistakes in this movie; the revenge-seeking ex, the star-crossed lovers, the moody teen, the super-natural child, the lustful horrible father of the single child, and the classic horror movie ending with the house full of evils burning.
“Dark Shadows” was a cross between “Scary Movie 4,” “Twilight,” and “Edward Scissorhands.”
“Dark Shadows” receives one out of five stars, a pity star really.
The Tim Burton-Johnny Depp relationship is coming to an end. Their odd brands of movies have over worn their welcome.
I regret the eleven dollars spent on that atrocity of a film. It was about as enjoyable as spilt popcorn.