You know, I had a really great plan for this column.

I was going to do all of this research on where the phrase “procrastination” came from, and then provide some anecdotes from my own personal life. Maybe throw some interviews in there. A few quotes from someone famous. Like Mark Twain. Or Kim Kardashian.

Yeah, this column probably would have made you all burst into sympathetic tears and eat the newspaper out of sheer jealousy. There would have been riots, and a few people would have been sent to the hospital after passing out on the staircases.

God, it would have been glorious. So I’m sure you’re all wondering what happened.

Well… I was sick. And I knew that if I wrote while I was sick, the column would just be a rambling account of me hacking up my own lungs.

And then I had to babysit. How could I be expected to focus on my writing when one kid is pulling on the back of my hair and another is slamming their own face into the drywall over and over, all while their baby brother somehow manages to get feces on every single inch of his skin?

After that… well, the weekend rolled around. My schedule was packed. First, I had to sleep in until it was physically impossible for me to get more sleep. After a busy breakfast consisting of me eating the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms in front of the television, I vacillated between eating, watching TV, eating, watching my computer, eating, checking my phone, and thinking about eating.

And that was just Day One. I still somehow had to squeeze in hanging out with my friends, watching a movie, and waking up in a cold sweat after remembering I had homework.

Then the school week came along. I had so much I had to do- homework, pretending to do homework, pretending I wasn’t pretending to do homework. Not to mention going to sleep while pretending to do homework.

I actually did start to write this a few days ago, but then I accidentally walked out of the room, went downstairs and turned on the television. This is very closely related to an event a few days ago when I tripped on my laptop cord and somehow opened Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and YouTube all at the same time.

So, I’m afraid that I have no ground-shaking column for you this month. But, can you really blame me?

I’ll admit it (and this may come as a shock); I’ve had issues with procrastination in the past. The constant battle to prevent it is an intense affair, costing many man-hours online and thousands of useless captioned pictures of cats sent to friends. I try to fight it. I do everything from turning off my computer to locking myself in a bomb shelter underneath my house. The latter usually fails, considering there’s still internet connection down there.

Either way, I know when I’m staring down the belly of the beast. Usually, it’s when I have seven essays and four tests to study for and I’m busy reasoning to myself that one more YouTube video won’t make a difference.

However, I do feel pretty bad about procrastinating this column (ironically enough, it was ABOUT procrastination in the first place. You know you’ve hit bottom when you’re procrastinating on procrastinating). So, why not try to turn over a new leaf? My New Year’s resolution was to stop procrastinating and as I put off starting my resolutions, there seems to be no time like the present.

So I promise, next month’s column will be amazing. I’ll start on it right after the new episode of Doctor Who. And after I get a snack. And I really should wash my car.

But then, it’s column time.