Opinion: Student snacks sink to so-so

Student Store snacks, reviewed

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Anita Beroza

The Student Store is a popular place to purchase snacks during lunchtime.

The Carlmont Student Store is well-known for its many goodies and treats that can be purchased by students during lunch or after school on Thursdays, but which snacks measure up? As the completely legitimate, nationally certified authority on good food, I present a review of 12 of their snacks.

Strawberry Popsicle

This is probably the best popsicle in the student store. It tastes delicious. However, there could always be more strawberry chunks.

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Ice Cream Sandwich

I have only good things to say about the contents of the ice cream sandwich. It has excellently creamy ice cream, a delectable chocolate cracker; what more could one want? My only lament is that they melt too fast and get smushed too easily. Also, take me back to the days where they were 75 cents. The economy these days, my goodness.

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Blue Raspberry Fruit by the Foot

I will personally assassinate whoever invented the flavor blue raspberry. It is unnatural, and I hate it. What scum of the Earth decided to make raspberries blue? I hope that their fate is a miserable one and that they rot in the deepest pits of hell, knowing the extent and horror of their felonies against humankind itself.

Look, I’m sympathetic to the need to expand beyond red for fruit candy. Still, only a pedestrian buffoon would have the sheer rock-bottom intelligence necessary to ignore white, gold, or green as a raspberry color. Use blueberry for blue. Better yet, don’t be a sniveling coward and go to the equator for more possible blue fruit flavors. Don’t be basic!

Rating: Blue raspberry is objectively tasty, and I love Fruit by the Foot.

Mango Outshine Bar

The mango outshine bar is made of lovely mango sherbert, very smooth with delicious mango tang. I only wish there were mango fruit chunks because fruit chunks improve upon any popsicle.

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Lime Popsicle

Whoever made the lime popsicle misplaced their brain for the day. Woe betide this poor soul. The lime popsicle is just slightly better frozen lemonade masquerading as a frozen fruit treat.

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Raspberry Popsicle

Raspberry is a fruit with unlimited potential. Unfortunately, this popsicle does not measure up. It scrapes by with a 6.5/10 for being too watery and light-on-raspberry. There are also no fruit chunks. The good news is that it is partially redeemed through a satisfying raspberry aftertaste.

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Nature Valley Oat & Honey Granola bar

A classic school staple. There’s not much to say about these, really: they’re perfectly adequate. Nothing outstanding.

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Rainbow Goldfish

I am a Goldfish lover, so you may think that my review of these Goldfish would be quite positive. Unfortunately, the rainbow Goldfish are an agonizing disappointment. You can taste the vegetable substance used to dye the Goldfish in about half the colors (primarily red and green), ruining the delicious, divine cheesy Goldfish flavor. I weep for the lost cheesiness.

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Mott’s Fruit Gummies

Mott’s Fruit Gummies are the best deal in the student store, and statisticians report they are also the only time quarters ever come in handy. With naught but a spare coin, you can buy yourself a piece of fruity, chewy heaven. The gummy varieties are quite good: among my favorites are the carrot and pear gummies. These are rare flavors to find in other packs and thus appropriately unique. 

Some godless heathens say that the carrot gummies are not nearly as good as the other gummies in the pack. To that, I say they can rot in hell with the inventor of the blue raspberry. Carrot gummies are a delicious break from the berry-boring monotony of the standard fruit gummy. Where is your sense of variety, your sense of adventure? Truly, only an utter loon can dislike the Mott carrot gummy.

Rating: I hope the carrot haters enlighten their sorry minds.

Plain Bagel

Once, the bagel was king of all student store snacks. I adored the bagels they sold; they were quite possibly the highlight of my entire sophomore year. Unfortunately, they have been replaced with a different variety of bagel. It is still a decent snack, but not as good as what they used to offer.

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Baked Lay’s Potato Chips

Baked Lay’s are the best potato chip experience to exist on this Earth. Crunchy, salty, potato-y, perfect for dips or to be eaten alone. And I vastly prefer them to regular potato chips, which are too greasy and oily for my tastes. Unfortunately, they have no pizzazz, no panache, to elevate their experience (although, what potato chip does?)

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Teddy Grahams

I mourn the fate of the person who decided to buy the honey instead of the chocolate type of Teddy Grahams! Honey Teddy Grahams are just so blasé, so done. They are quite dry. But chocolate Teddy Grahams? A veritable ambrosia upon the mouths of students! The perfect chocolate cracker. Alas, they do not have them.

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In Summary

The student store snacks are very tasty overall: they have a lovely selection for reasonable prices. The biggest low point is that they changed their bagel variety, but the high point of their snacks are the ice cream sandwiches and the Mott’s fruit gummies. Many thanks to the volunteer who indulged me when I bought every one of these snacks during lunch.

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